Criticism, or constructive feedback, from others can help us to grow personally and professionally.

However, we must learn to truly hear both what is said, as well as what we hear-recognizing the inner voice that gives interpretation to the voiced perception of others.

Many of us adopt the "glass ½ empty" perspective when it comes to receiving criticism, or constructive feedback.

Let's be honest, whether it be from family, friends, co-workers or significant others, we tend to shift the meaning behind what others are trying to convey.

We then attribute their intentions to the most devious of sorts.

In a flash, the grandma who just a moment before stood looking so very much like an angel, suddenly sports devilish horns, and a forked tail!

Why does this happen?

Our minds work in mysterious ways.

One thought leads to another which leads to another…and before we know it we're talking divorce while our dumbfounded spouse stands there flabbergasted, wondering how a simple comment like "Honey, I really need you to iron my shirts before the week begins" led to this.

Here's an exercise for you.

Think of a time when you felt criticized by someone.

Recall the actual comment-not your interpretation of what they really were trying to say. Write it down and follow this formula:

When he/she said….(fill in statement)
I…(fill in what you felt)
Because…(How did you interpret the statement? What additional meaning did you give it?)
Which led to…(What was your reaction? What was the outcome?)

Here's an example:
When he said…I don't seem to be managing my stress well lately
I felt…really angry
Because…I felt my boss didn't appreciate the stress I was under lately, and maybe even didn't care. He was obviously only concerned about himself and the bottom line!
Which led to…my getting even angrier…which proved him right…and so I was disappointed in myself.

Acknowledge the fact that when you receive feedback your natural response is to go through these following four stages!

D A W A

DENIAL
When people first receive feedback, they have a tendency to deny it. Please avoid immediate defensiveness - arguing, denying and justifying. This just gets in the way of your appreciation of the information you are being given.

ANGER
After the denial stage comes anger! So you've been told that your work is not as good as what it ought to be. You've said, "It's as good as always" so you are denying it then you become angry as it stews in your mind and body. The immediate reaction is to fume!

WITHDRAWAL
After the anger has calmed down, the person has had time to reflect and ponder on the feedback. "Well, I have been making more mistakes then normal" This is when time is taken out to mull over the feedback and think about what it actually means.

ACCEPTANCE
The final part of this model is finally accepting the feedback, assessing its value and the consequences of ignoring it, or using it. "I HAVE been making mistakes"

What can we do differently?

First, when someone gives us feedback, whether good or bad, we should thank him or her.

Regardless of whether or not we ultimately agree with their perception, we should understand that they are only providing their perspective about something they feel might potentially be an obstacle in your relationship, or to your performance.

It also provides us with an opportunity to pause and reflect on ourselves-which we seldom do.

So yes, thank them for the reminder to focus on you!

Second, pause.

Reflect on their statement.

What did they actually say?

Calmly ask them to explain their statement-give you an example of what they mean and why they perceive it to be so.

Try your best to place yourself in their shoes. How do you come across looking through their eyes?

Examine the vicious circle that so often comes into play.

Get clarity about how you are interpreting their words, vs., what they actually said and whether there's any validity to it or not.

• If you still disagree with their statement, simply let them know you respect their perspective. Share your perspective as appropriate, and then move on.
• If you can empathise with their perspective, then guess what? It's not the end of the world! Instead, congratulations! You've just experienced another incidence resulting in personal growth!

"Know your limits, not so that you can honour them, but so that you can smash
them to pieces and reach for magnificence."
--Cherie Carter-Scott