Being a Stepfather can be a daunting task.

Many will be looking for you to be firm and to lay down the discipline in the family home.

However, this is easier said than done in a blended family.

Here are some pointers on how to be a confidence Stepfather.

We have teamed up with Step Family Counsellor Jeannette Lofas who has kindly written these TOP TEN LISTS.

TEN STEPS FOR STEPFATHERS

Step 1.

The Stepfather Can't Function as Does the Biological Father. He is not the father and never will be. The stepfather is the male head of the household. Together with his wife, the children's mother, he can be a guide, a mentor, and even a psychological father to the stepchildren, over time. Go slow.

Step 2.

Structuring the Household Is a Shared Task Between Husband and Wife. How is the time, energy, and money used? What are the duties, responsibilities, and contributions of each member of the household? This must be sorted out and decided by the couple.

Step 3.

The Norms and Forms of Discipline Must Be Discussed and Agreed to by the Couple. Generally, the biological parent does the disciplining and the stepparent reminds, "In this house we . . ."

Step 4.

"Overdisciplining Your Stepchildren" Watch It! The biological mother can perceive it as too much, too often. This can bring on the mama-bear-protecting-her-young-from-the-outsider syndrome.

Step 5.

"Underdisciplining Your Own Children" Watch It! The biological father without custody misses his kids and fears the loss of affection and his personal input to his children. This is a legitimate fear. The less time he has with them, the less he wants to discipline. Children need parents even visiting parents‹to set up predictable structures and limits. Set up the rules quickly so you spend less time disciplining.

Step 6.

Predictability and Organisation Create Intimacy. In a home with structure parents and children spend less time negotiating and arguing. Parent/child power struggles over repetitive issues waste time and undermine the child's self-esteem.

Talking about real issues and creating intimacy should be the goal during these limited times together.

Step 7.

If Things Don't Work, the Tendency Is to Withdraw. Don't. Stepfathering is complicated, and the notion of not being the "master" of your own household is tough. Indeed, the mother may be lax on discipline. Indeed, you want to change things.

Stepfathering has to do with parenting. You and the mother must, together, work out the forms and norms.

Step 8.

Unrealistic Expectations Beget Rejections and Resentments. There are few models for stepfathers. Learn the dynamics of step and divorce. Know what to expect and what not to expect.

Step 9.

Be Aware of a Conflict between Sexual and Biological Pulls in Stepfamily Relationships. In the original family the couple comes together to have a child, and together their energies focus on that child.

The child is an extension of themselves. In step the child is connected to only one person in the couple. The blood ties and sexual ties can be polarised and can pull the couple in opposite directions.

Step 10.

Guard Your Sense of Humour and Use It.

10 STEPS FOR MEN IN STEP

Step 1.

The stepfather cannot function as the biological father. He is not the father and cannot function that way even if he lives with the children. The biological father always maintains that role even if he does not live with his children full time.

Step 2.

"Over disciplining your stepchildren" -- WATCH IT! The biological mother can perceive it as too much too often. This can bring on the 'mama bear' protecting her young from the outsider syndrome.'

Step 3.

"Under disciplining your own children" -- WATCH IT! Children do need structure and limits. If you are fair and consistent your children won't hate you for it. Set up the rules quickly so you spend less time disciplining.

Step 4.

Structuring the household is a shared task between husband and wife. How is the time, energy and money used? What contributions are made by each member of the household? These must be sorted out and decided by the couple. Generally, the biological parent does the disciplining.

Step 5.

Stepfather wants to be father. He can't: he can only be the stepfather, a resource person. He can be a guide for his stepchildren. Go slow.

Step 6.

The biological father needs to learn how to mother. Traditionally, the woman took care of such mothering jobs as noticing table manners, hellos, good-byes, whether household jobs were done properly and what was to be done by the children. The biological father in step, whether he is full time or has visitation rights, needs to take on some of these mothering roles.

Step 7.

Unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations beget rejections and resentments. There are no models for stepfathers or biological fathers in step. We can all become cruel and withdrawn stepfathers or over indulgent bio-fathers in step. We can all be overly demanding spouses.

Step 8.

Be aware of a conflict in sexual and biological pulls in stepfamily relationships. In the intact family, the couple come together to have a child and their energies focus on the child. In step, the blood ties and sexual ties are polarised. The can pull the family in opposite directions.

Step 9.

Chronic sorrow/legitimate fear. The biological and/or divorced father misses his kids, fears the loss of affection and his personal input to his children. This is a legitimate fear. The less time he has with them, the less he wants to discipline.

Step 10.

Guard your sense of humour and use it. There is nothing more influential to ending a fight than an understanding and warm smile.

Jeannette Lofas is President of the Step Family Foundation. Visit Jeannettes website at http://www.stepfamily.org/